walking a walk that is measured and slow

I am working really hard on a journey of self discovery this year. And honestly, I can't remember how it happened. It wasn't an intentional thing. Somehow, one day, I think I just started *gasp* paying attention. Paying attention to the way that I feel; paying attention to how things make me feel, how I react in certain situations; paying attention to this strange internal change coming over me. At first I swore that I was losing my damn mind. And then I attributed this unwanted, unrequested mindfulness on turning 30 this year. And then it dawned on me that I was beginning to not mind it anymore, this transformation. It's not visible, it's probably not even apparent to the people who know me best, but I am changing. I think differently. I see differently. I am slowly becoming different.

Earlier this afternoon I had a weird confrontationy moment with TSO and it didn't feel good to leave for work feeling like things were unresolved. I drove away feeling disappointed in my behavior. What the crap happened to that internal glimmer, that groundwork I've been doing?! What happened to my patience--which showed its lovely face the other day in a difficult meeting at work!? What happened to seeing things through new eyes? Experiencing things differently? I felt like a newly budding caterpillar shoved back into my cocoon higgldy piggldy!

But, we worked things out (thank you Gmail chat) because TSO is patient, and because he has an ability to still be my friend even when I push him away. He is brave enough to run up the proverbial white flag and to go into the lion's den. He is a good friend. He is a good person.

It was with our conversation still fresh in my mind that I stumbled--stumbled seems apropos--over this quote, discovering it on this wonderful blog (Live with Flair), which Mummy Dearest mentioned on her blog. 

"Walking, then, is a perpetual falling with a perpetual self-recovery. It is a most complex, violent, and perilous operation. . ."  ~ Oliver Wendel Holmes

I imagine this growth, this inner strength, this new and improved me much like a playground slide during the summer. I am trying desperately to prove something to myself; trying to climb up the slope. But the strange incline is difficult, it dips, it's slippery, the metal is hot; everything is working against me. Every time I feel like I am making some progress I slip back a little, temporarily losing my footing. But that's just it. I have to keep reminding myself that even these moments--the sliding backs--are progress. I have to remember these words:

"The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” ~ Don Williams Jr.

Weird. I realized that I titled a blog this before, and I also revealed who I borrowed the line from. Good ole' Shel.

Comments

Mummy Dearest said…
You are beautiful. <3 Keep pressing onwards.

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