so much for the afterglow

Death is a funny thing. People think death is so final. I thought it was final--I even said so the other night to Chris--but I am realizing that death is so continual for those who live. It is this nagging neighbor that wants to be in every part of your life. At times you think you can escape it and then there it is again, madly flagging it's arms and shouting, "yoo hoo, over here."

Death passed and now the hollow that is left inside harkens me to a feeling of utter lost-ness--and it isn't bad, really. It is like going through the days and watching as someone else does things for me. Me is really curled up on a sofa somewhere in the recesses of my mind--just resting--and this imposter Me is running the show for a while. And she sees things differently, not renewed, but new. She has never seen the sprinkling of snow, salted over Dad's garden; Mom's dormant rose bushes, jutting out hautily under a dusting of white; never noticed how pungent some foods smell; never really listened to some of her favorite songs hard enough to hear what the musician really are saying.

Life lately has been a series of nostalgia.

Flashes of memories thrown into the frying pan of my mind, tossed around, stirred, flavored with heavy doses of the spices of life. So many things are happening at once right now, and so quickly that I don't know where the last month+ has gone, and really can't remember what life was like before. I never really liked holidays all that much before, but this year they will suck.

Spent Thanksgiving cleaning Mom & Dad's house. I spent hours going through musty boxes in the basement, finding proof of our childhood, our life, a happier time, a home that can never be rebuilt. It was a quiet holiday; spent alone in the presence of my siblings and Mom. We all moved around; to say we were like zombies sounds cliche, albeit fitting. At times it felt like we were just going through the motions, and then memories and laughter would errupt; a funny story remembered--words would burst forth, bright hot lava of emotion, slowly wending down until the heat cooled and all was hard again.

Dinner was quiet.

Today I am back into the routine, worked yesterday and again today until 7pm. I am in the final crunch of classes, the end of the semester, and so ready to finish.

Still due:

In my YA Lit class (LIS 6530) I still have my:

Graphic Novel Note Card Assignment (11/30/07)
Graphic Novel Book Talk Assignment (12/1/07)
Best of The Semester Note Card Assignment (12/7/07)
Author Project Presentation (12/16/07)
Author Project Note Cards Assignment (12/16/07)

In my Children's Lit (Pre-school--3rd Grade) (LIS 6510) I still have my:

1 pg. paper on finding biographies/non-fiction lit in the public library
10 pg. final paper/take home exam

And in my Research Methods (LIS 7996) I still have to:
write my final 10 pg. paper on how I would write a research proposal about the effect of children's programming on Young Adults.

Yesterday I ordered my Graduation announcements. So damn expensive. I should have just made my own--cut out letters and pictures from magazines. Make my invitations look like a threatening letter, or secret admirer note, or something...hmmm...maybe there is still time to cancel what I ordered...

Comments

Anonymous said…
I love you Amanda -- you are amazing for posting on such a personal, intimate subject. You are such a lovely, sensitive, kind person and I hope you continue to share so openly with us all -- through your blog and through conversation. It is a priveledge to witness your grappling with your fathers' abscence; I hope that by sharing your thoughts, you will allow us to bear some of that pain for you through friendship.
I will try...thanks for the kind words. I just thought that maybe if I can share some of this, that maybe it might help someone else going through it feel a little less alone...?
JennPav said…
I've said it before but I really can't even begin to imagine how horrible it must be. I'm absolutely in mourning for you and your family. I used to find that working really helps when you're going through something like this. At least for a little while. Having a job to do or a chore to get done.... I always need something else to focus on. Don't know if that's the healthy thing to do or not.... Well, just know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

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