baby steps

"It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter.
~C.S. Lewis

Death teaches us anger, frustration, an unconsolable sadness, what an inpenetrable hallow feels like, but Death too teaches us all humility-the ability to cry in front of others, dignity, and an appreciation for family bonds (that seem to tighten) and friendship.

I was fortunate to be out east at the farm when I recieved the call telling me that my Dad had died, and in that vertigo of anguish I was surrounded by 6 of the dearest friends I could ever wish on anyone; I was physically and emotionally held. Mummy Dearest left her beautiful, wonderful children and Hubby for 5 days to come home with me and take care of me and help me say goodbye to my Dad. And the love from friends has been poured over me so much in this time of grief: Amos called me from Bolivia. CJ, TSOldtimer, Christy, Mummy Dearest and Hubby, B1 & B2, Flava Flav and Lisa, and John O., all wonderful friends-spread all over the East Coast-have made me feel so supported; calling to check in.

Then I have been bombarded with such nice emails and calls from friends here in the Great Lakes State: K&L, Married K & J, College K, Chris, G Chris, Tom, Gregg, Mrock the house, Stac, Cathy, Miss Cellaneous, Steph, Adele, Jessica, Tara, Victoria, Rakstar, Karen, Catholicland, among so many others. So many helping hands! Mummy Dearest and L especially made it possible for my family to not have to worry about all the kids--my niece and nephew were out from Cali, which made 4 kids under 3 at the funeral home for 8 hours--keeping a watchful eye on the kids for us, tending to unforseen "bumps" in the road, and being ever so pleasant with my family. You two were amazing! No one ever wants to go through something like this. But having friends like these has made everything so much more bearable. So, thanks. I love you all. And thanks for all those who have been keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot.

I am preparing. Only simpler tasks, "baby steps," for those of you out there who love "What about Bob?" as much as I do. Tomorrow I return back to my "normal" routine, though it feels as though normal never existed and nothing will ever seem right again. Baby steps. Everything feels so overwhelming and big right now.

Tomorrow, as I return back to classes and work, I just need to remind myself to breathe, put my pants on one leg at a time (putting pants on before I leave the house at all will be an improvement on today), and look at what I need to do to get through each hour, what I need to do to get through each day. And eventually I won't have to tell myself to remember to smile at people...it will come naturally again.